yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
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