why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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