I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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