I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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