Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
