you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
