Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
