im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
