she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
