do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
