i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
