don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
