she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
