i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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