Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
