Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I AM VODKA MAN
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
