how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Duck Duck Cougar?
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
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