i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
