Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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