why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Randomize
