I skipped work to stalk him.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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