If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
