just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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