I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
