Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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