She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
