How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
