Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
You pole danced in your parka.
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