i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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