Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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