My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
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