My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
