The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
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