Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
love makes seman taste better
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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