you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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