3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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