i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
