he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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