I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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