Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
