I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
