i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
