I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
