I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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