oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Randomize
