How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Randomize
