Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
