I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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