He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
