Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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