Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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