thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
