my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
He shit in the fireplace
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
