We got so high we made milksteak
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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