yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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