So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
