Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize