i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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